...by me...
So after lots of back and forth, plenty of shenanigans and just a little bit of awesome - I ended up with an extra Elite controller, unopened, never sullied by my skill-less hands.
Before I return it to Best Buy for a full refund or whatever, I wanted to see if anyone here wants it first.
$140, free shipping
It isn't a great deal, but it's cheaper than some, and it came straight from the Microsoft Store, if that means anything.
Anyways, I'm not sure if the return policy is 14 or 30 days, so I'll return it later this week if nobody wants it here.