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Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 3:12 pm
by Criporc
Criporc's corner of asking and stuff is open for business, apparently. PM me your questions if you would like some advice, and I will respond when I feel like it.


Thee MC said:Dear Criporc,

On Apex 7, I'm having a very difficult time moving up the rocks outside of the Spire. It's really bugging me a lot! I try to get up but it's like I keep hitting little invisible walls. Any advice on moving up the rocks to Spire quickly and efficiently?

Sincerely,
Struggles to Rock Climb


Long ago during my travels in the exotic jungles of the far east, I heard of a monk who could quickly and efficiently run up rocks and spires. I tracked him down using tracking techniques and such. After sneaking into his room while he was watching a movie (Titanic) I managed to take a peek in his closet. I soon realized that this monk wrote his daily happenings on his drawers! His undies, of all things! Among many interesting facts and factoids, I learned that he liked to run up rocks at full speed. He used a word that I am not too familiar with for it was written in the oldest of tongues; the turtle tongue. I had to google it on my phone. The translation software was buggy, however, so I decided to call my friend who invented the dictionary. He told me that the word was "SPRUNT".



Sarge said:Dear Criporc,

Please tell me what I should do if someone tries to stab me with a sword.

Sincerely,

Sarge



Recently, as in a time that happened not too long ago to me, I was watching a documentary on TV about ants. It was fascinating. I learned that ants are the only living creature other than humans that are capable of vengeance. The documentary told of a particular ant who was imprisoned and forced to fight in ant style battles for the amusement of other ants after his ant family was murdered by the ant king. Long story short, the ant fought with a ferocity unseen before in the ant battles of the ants. Fearing that the ant would win the ant hearts and the ant minds of the ant people, the ant king decided to battle the ant himself, and end the ant in single ant combat. 1v1, ant style. The show of the ant century! During the fight, the ant lost its ant sword. OH NO! As the ant king tried to stab the ant with its own ant sword, the ant dodged and ducked and ran away! Its first ant thought was to seek help immediately. No help came. (its a 1v1, what you thinking, ant? stupid...) It then decided to keep dancing out of reach of the stabbing ant sword of the ant king. After several ant minutes, the ant king grew very flustered, and started making giant, forceful swings with his ant sword at the ant. This gave the ant more ant time to make an ant move. At the opportune ant moment, the ant charged the ant king while the ant king was preparing another cut with his ant sword. Now that the ants were in grappling range, the ant sword became a lot less ant deadly. The ant was then able to use his ant hands to attack the ant king on his ant face. The ant still died, but at least it put up a pretty good ant fight.



TheBigL said:Dear Criporc..

How do I get over my bowel incontinence?



A few weeks ago, I went to a Doctor with the same problem. I told her that she should first try to alter her diet. I told her to stay away from junk food, and try to eat foods with a lot of fiber. I also suggested that she talk to her family doctor about getting some feces bulking pills. Along with all that, I told my doctor to try to strengthen her pelvic floor muscles. I'm not an expert on the matter, so I couldn't suggest to her the proper exercises, but I remembered that it is possible to use electroshock thingies to do this as well.

These methods worked marvelously for my doctor, and I hope they will for you as well, L. However, if the problem persists, there are surgical options as well. Again, I am not an expert in this field, but I believe there are rectal implants of some kind that can be installed in the anus to create a stronger seal. If you feel you need this done, I can recommend a great doctor! If that fails, you can get a nifty little bag installed to catch all the fecal matter as it slowly and involuntarily drips out of your anus.



Airman Steve said:im having bad connection issues. what should i do?



I learned the following when I went to connecting school in Connectincut. I majored in Applied Introvertiality, but the curriculum included several classes that touched on the subject. Basically, the first step to connecting with other people is to show them your true self. That way, if someone ever likes you, they will like you for who you are. And maybe you will like them back! I'm getting really bored of this question... Make eye contact, try to pay attention to what people are saying to you, and don't fart around people you just met.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 12:33 am
by Thee MC
This is way more amazing than I ever could have imagined. 10/10 will ask again.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 12:50 am
by Sarge
This is my favorite thing about being a forum-based community. This started as a "What Would Criporc Do?" joke in lobby.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 7:36 pm
by Criporc
Guardian said:Dear Criporc,

Who would win in space?

1 ultra banshee vs
Spoiler: show
1 trillion lions


As the crack in the display monitor grew by another unit, A'l'lehie Jh'woy wondered what would fail first. The hull's integrity or the thrusters. The cannons had been the first to go. The fact that they had been able to fire continuously for close to four rotations spoke volumes about Sangheili ingenuity. A'l'lehie doubted that a Human vessel could perform even a fraction as well as her beloved Banshee Ultra. That's probably why she was in this situation. The Humans couldn't hope to match the world shattering prowess of the Sangheili in open combat, so they concocted a downright laughable defensive strategy. At least at first. A'l'lehie had stopped laughing once she realized the full scope of what they had done.

The fleet A'l'lehie and her squadron had been sent to destroy was puny. It was no surprise when they fled. However, a signal had remained behind the fleet, so A'l'lehie had volunteered to stay and investigate as the rest of her squad gave chase. As she approached the source, a slipspace rupture loomed in front of her, and out of it appeared an innumerable amount of furry yellow beasts! She had opened fire, slaying countless numbers without mercy before realizing that they were already dying. That is when her laughter had started

5 Rotations later, and she was still trying to escape the clutches of this Human monster. The amount of bio-mass surrounding her was staggering. Her communications array had been unable to receive and transmit messages, so once she realized she was alone, A'l'lehie had started work on clearing a path through the blockade. Once her cannons burnt out, she had begun ramming her way through. And that's when she started to have doubts.

An alarming impact threw A'l'lehie out of her reveire. The crack had breached the hull! The banshee whistling its last breath as the atmosphere rushed out, A'l'lehie slammed the thrusters to full boost, determined to take down as many beasts as she could. The impacts increased in number and intensity, creating a jaw shattering rattle inside the cockpit. Chunks of the hull stripped off in sections, at first with earsplitting screeches, then in deafening silence. Her view now unobscured she chose a target and hit it head on, shattering the beast into bits, one of which lodged itself in her mouth. A'l'lehie bit down hard as her starboard thruster broke off, sending her into an uncontrollable spiral. She let go the useless controls, ripped the chunk out of her maw and screamed "EVEN TO OUR DYING BREATH"

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 7:44 pm
by Tom
Dear Criporc,
If you had a SpaceBrick what would you do with it and why?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 9:35 pm
by brickfungus
Tom wrote:
Dear Criporc,
If you had a SpaceBrick what would you do with it and why?

Why am I in space?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 2:38 am
by Gorillars
When TheBigL gets old,will he become TheGrandL ?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:29 am
by Muffin
Criporc, how do you win Sarge's approval?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:35 am
by Jazzy
Criporc, how do you get oranges to approach you for sponsorship?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 11:10 am
by Criporc
You guys are all doing it wrong. You have to PM me your questions........ Also there is a slight backlog right now, so it might be another 2 months until I get around to the new ones.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:36 pm
by Syience
Criporc, Do you cook? and why have you not told us you have a youtube channel dedicated to it?

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:53 pm
by allyjoy83
It's been a month. I would like more of these.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:57 pm
by Criporc
So I was reminded of this while talking with Wakka a few days ago. I think it would be fun to do again, possibly.

I won't have unlimited internet access, so my responses may sometimes take a while. Butt hopefully I will be able to make the time to answer some moar questions.

I'm gonna continue to forget aboot all the old outstanding questions, and only do things for new ones. Sending me a PM on here, or on Discord is how you should ask the questions. Maybe I will answer questions posted here. I dunno.

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:30 am
by Laughlyn
what is your favorite fencing style/ position???

Re: Ask me, Criporc!

Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:33 pm
by Criporc
Wakka said:what is your favorite lego


Upon pondering on this question on and off, and on some more, I have come to narrow down what Wakka meant to two things.

One, my favourite lego, and two, my favourite Iego.

My favourite lego, therefore, is the one I will describe shortly after finding a proper conclusion to this sentence. The lego is flat, and green, and it has 11 of the little cylindrical connector pieces common to lego per side. The thing that makes this particular lego stand out, is that 4 of the connector cylinders are missing (a corner is broken). Ah, I see those of you quick in the mathematics have caught on! Besides having the perfect number of attachment points for other lego, it represents a clean slate. One can build anything one desires using this piece as a foundation. Or, leave it unspoilt and untouched: my preferred option.

Now, on to the second option. Iego. Iego is a planet in the Outer Rim Territories, known for having a thousand moons in orbit. And thus, Wakka's inquiry may be inquiring as to which stellar body of Iego is my favourite. I am not too familiar with this region of space. However, I remembered a quote from a film:

Anakin said:Are you an Angel? --- They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They live on the moons of Iego, I think.


I did some research on the subject, and learned that the Angels Anakin was talking about hailed from the moon Millius Prime. The most beautiful creatures in the universe seem pretty cool. So, I will say that my favourite Iego is Millius Prime.

Another option arises into my thoughts. What if Wakka, in her wisdom, was wondering which of the two I would choose?

This, my friends, is a much more meaningful question, and on my part, very difficult to answer. I will do my best, however: The Iego is my favourite.