Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I'm in trouble with the wife again. All because I didn't open the car door for her.
It wasn't my fault, I just panicked and swam to the surface.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandmother. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in her car.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Pillows help people go to sleep. Forever.

EuroFox77 wrote:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandmother. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in her car.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Pillows help people go to sleep. Forever.

Paraprosdokian sentences eh. I run this

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Congrats on your ability to Copy and Paste

kid please

takes some time

Mice wrote:

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

This is WIN... total WIN.

Mice wrote:

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

FINALLY mice reveals his tactics!

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

Not sure if this is giong to get me in trouble, but here it goes:

What is the brown stuff between elephants toes?

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera...

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Pineapple’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.


All from Mitch Hedberg, RIP

"The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!"

HAHA, this is going on my russcard!
Thanks!

YOU, I herd u liek mudkipz...
Lost ability to play halo....
The parents grounded me...
Game is off limits..

first word of last four lines....ur pissed.

Short jokes, eh? I'd never stoop so low.

Let's get some Demitri Martin up in hea...

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’